Kaiba's rant
by deathskeith
Summary: Just a rant that I did a while ago. Very funny, please read!
1. Kaiba's rant

**This is something I wrote like three years ago. I just pulled it off my shelf when I cleaned my bookshelf. I couldn't bare not to share it. I'll update sometime...I've been writing so much that I want to finish fics before I post them. This is a rant people! Meaning its pure funny and should not be taken too seriously! I hope you like it!**

"**Kaiba's rant. Him and his opinion on fanfic pairings"**

**I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!

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The important president of Kaiba corp promptly sat down in his computer chair. He had had enough and decided to type his thoughts on his home computer. He cracked his knuckles and wiggled his fingers. Setting them on the key board, he began to type.

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Seto Kaiba now speaking (so shut your holes): Alright, listen up and listen good. Everyone keeps putting me with all the lamest people on my anime. Yes, MY ANIME. Just because its named after my biggest (and shortest) rival, does not mean he is always star of the show. I had my own segment too ya know. Like duelist kingdom and my step brother's virtual world. Here is what I think of everyone and how they should be seen by all from now on. Starting off...

**Joey Wheeler:** No way in hell. I would rather fuck my assistant Roland or one of my female secretaries (which go on and on and all look the same. Like that movie with Austin powers and the bimbots or something...). If you could find anyone who acts more like a child let me know. Even my own little brother is years ahead of that slacker duelist. The way he manages to pull a strategy out of his ass and actually have the nerve to challenge me, I'll never know. He needs to grow up and get a diaper change. Not to mention switch his shampoo, the Johnny Bravo era has passed people...Sheesh.

**Tristan Taylor:** No way in hell either. Would rather fuck Roland. Die like an ice cube in hell. (By the way...How does he get his hair to stay in a perfect point like that???) He is like the mini me of that guy who serves Pegasus with the sunglasses...You know the one right? Shut up, moving on...

**Tea Gardner:** Little bit of a hottie, but still dresses like a dancing slut more than a dancing queen. And she shouldn't be doing me but Mr. Shortie Yugi Motto or his grandpa. (If they can reach that is. Shortness must run in the Motto line. Along with that ridiculous spiky hair and abnormal hair color.)

Mai Valentine: Some what hottie and major duelist. I would rather do her than Roland I guess. But she reminds me of a prom queen on crack for some reason...

**Yugi Motto:** Oh boy...Um...no no no. Rather fuck Roland, secretary- I don't even know more or less remember her name...Tea, Mai and did I mention Roland. The day I do my rival is the day I agree to let Mokuba run away and have a gay marriage. (Never gonna happen and I'm going introduce sex to a woman to him as early as possible!!!) Its amazing he can win all his duels like that and not cheat. Managing to pull the right card at the right time? Ya right folks, welcome to reality. MY reality which unlike you imaginary pansies is actually real. My only imagination is my programed virtual world. (which by the way kicks ass and blows everyone else out of the water.) By the way...His eye color reminds me of the virus in resident evil...Creepy and not natural!!

**Marik Ishtar: **Admire the evil and wish I knew where he took his lessons. But I don't care for the pointy hair because I imagine if we are doing it, I might poke an eye out. (But the sex is never gonna happen. Unless I am drunk and very very...very horny and have no clue where I am at the exact moment.)

**Ishezu Ishtar: **I'll think about a threesome with her and Mai, but otherwise...no. I've only met the woman like...What?...twice right? Just because she gave me a super powerful card does not mean I get turned on so easily. But its still a bit of a turn on I guess...(Again, only if I'm drunk.)

**The Pharaoh: **In reality, he is only a three inch taller Yugi. And I highly doubt he gets any bigger down there. (If ya know what I mean.) Again, what is with the pointy hair in this anime? I'm surprised everyone is not wearing an eye patch in this anime. (Oh wait, Pegasus has one so never mind. But didn't he marry a chic?) Other wise...Maybe. but again only if I'm drunk and if possible have lost a bet. But other wise...Oh what the hell right? (Did I say that? Someone please hide my little brother in a closet until my insane spell is over.) And also...Weren't we related somehow? That would be like incest right? Yeah...No.

**Odion:** Never met the guy outside of dueling, but my little brother says he is a complete loser and has too many tattoos so...no. End of discussion. Sadism not my forte. The day I do that guy is the day I wear a pink overcoat.

**Serenity Wheeler:** I admire the strong relationship and loyalty to her brother. But she is a complete cry baby. The innocent act only works in like a few episodes through the entire series. But I must admit...When she asked me nicely to please land the blimp so we could get some guy to a hospital, I wanted to jump her bones right there. But I rethought that because my little brother and everyone else was in the room. (Shame on me...but not really.) And also because I was tired and in a bit of a grumpy mood. Didn't have my V8 that day I guess.

**Mr. Motto:** Fuck you all you crazy fan girls. I don't swing that way. Especially with someone with a memory span of a fish and would possibly break a hip during the act. If he wants some, he should pay someone or go looking for his grandson and his little friends. He certainly has plenty of children running around in his shop. Its pedo heaven in there, not to mention all the young boys Yugi drags into his shop everyday. Temptation must be heavuly sedated with like...Old people smell or something...(note to self, never grow old.)

**Mokuba Kaiba:** Are you shitting me? Are you fucking shitting me? Your all pricks and how dare you think of my little brother that way! I think he is beautiful in his own intelligent clever way, but incest is not on my top ten things to do with my life. I highly doubt Mokuba could ever see me that way no matter how much he loves me. (And that's allot.) And second, I swear to god if anyone touches him I'll break your legs, push you off a cliff, and gather your body parts and burn them. But not after I harassed you the same way you did with my brother, by hiring a few guys named Molly and Jessica with herpes to do to you what you did to him. (Only a thousand times worse, understand? Meaning I will willingly stand there with a video camera as they fuck you against a wall made of barbed wire and electrical tape. Laugh in you ear and ask if you want some more. Hell, I'll even jump in if it causes you more humiliating pain. What the hell right? Drinks are on me I'm not driving.) The only way I would ever think of it, was if both our lives were at stake and if it was the only way out a life threatening situation. Sure, I'll take it in the ass if it means Mokuba's life is at stake. Fuck yes, otherwise what kind of brother would I be, huh? Tell me? But for all you sick fuck yaoi fan bitches out there. NO. Shut the fuck up and go get harassed by Molly and Jessica.

Okay I'm tired and...kinda a little horny now. So everyone go home for the day because I'm tired and need to tuck Mokuba in for th night. Its like...eleven forty three right now and Mokuba is looking at me funny from my office door. Oh, wait, he just shook his head and left the room. God I hope he doesn't find this on my computer. His hacking skills are a little scary sometimes. God kill me for letting him near Kaiba Corp technology. Oh wait, he's back again and sticking his tongue out at me.

Get some sleep people because Mr. Kaiba has left the building and is pushing the elevator button for down...Peace. Out.

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**On to part 2 please...**


	2. Mokuba's turn

**A continuation of the first rant! This is the second part I typed up after I got many reviews wanting to see the Mokuba side of things!**

**I don't own Yu Gi Oh!**

"**Mokuba's views on pairings"

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Mokuba here so um...(please be quiet and listen to me!): Big brother just fell asleep and I snuck on to his computer to read this thing he wrote. I was really surprised at the swearing and mentioning of how he would actually consider fu...I mean, having sex with men. I will always love Seto and respect what he does...Even if it is the same sex. About that segment he wrote about me? Well...intense but, sweet I guess. I've never really started liking girls yet, frankly there still a little annoying and crabby to me. But I can't really say I'll be interested in men...Unless it was my brother...Oh did I write that? Hold on- *clicks and deletes*- there. Well I talked to everyone through my email so I guess its my turn to give me opinion on everyone huh? Okie dokey here goes!

**Joey Wheeler:** At first I thought...Well...annoying as holy hell and Satan sitting on a Christmas tree. There are times I want to beat the living sh...um, crap out of him and watch him bleed all over the carpet. Well...Actually it would be fun to watch one of the people my brother was going to hire, fu...screw the sh...crap out of Joey. I would laugh I think.

**Tristan Taylor:** Can't really say anything bad about this lump. He did help me out a few times. But he better not have touched me when I was knocked out and he was carrying me around on his back. That would of sucked if you have ever been groped in your sleep.

**Tea Gardner:** Yeah, I guess. I mean, if I had to pick a girl to lose my virginity to. It might as well be someone who wears short skirts and too much jewelry right? Is that not every males dream? But I would have to say on the scale of one to ten, a seven. (Hey, I'm being nicer than Seto here!)

**Mai Valentine:** Never met her but I hear she drives a sweet car and has a bust size that could knock you out. Probably if I ever met her, I would be staring at her chest the whole time. (Hey its better than staring at a guy's crotch right?)

**Yugi Motto:** He, well...he is my size but I'm too much of a pansy to go through with it...moving on.

**Marik Ishtar:** Swear to god he touched my ass once. Like when I was kidnapped by him, ass alert! He was totally all over me when he was the one personally tying me up.

**Ishezu Ishtar: **Heard good things but she sound psycho to me...Can you say silence of the lambs?

**The Pharaoh: **Um...Okay yeah sure why not.

**Odion: **Yeah, he touched my ass too.

**Serenity Wheeler:** Well, yeah a bit of a cry baby but...its cute how she follows Joey around like a duckling and all. Sort of reminds me of Seto and I. (Except I was a bit more clingy I think.)

**Mr. Motto:** Nice guy. A Little old but...no.

**Seto Kaiba:** Okay I'm blushing now. Of course I would never consider it out loud. I mean, Seto is very...Hot. Okay there I said it shoot me now! He always looks out for me but...he is overprotective and it is a little scary sometimes. I swear there are days when he is like my shadow. I wish he would just jump me already. Do us all a favor right?

Well...I'm hearing Seto's foot steps in the hall way. I guess that is my cue to skedaddle. I would have said more but...I'm still a blushing virgin after all ya know. I don't know much about sex except that Seto wants me to have it with a women. And that well...How can I say this. I can't remember the last time I ever say Seto have a condom in his room. That or even a chick actually...But I do think he goes to the red light alley allot. Oh crap! Seto is coming. Gotta go and um...I hope you all um...Screw it! Next time I talk I know more about the miracle of lost virginity!

Bye!

**END

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**Well? How was it? Yeah...What was I thinking back then right? Three years ago feels like forever! Well also too it was written when I first started out in Fanfiction. I was such a wet behind the ears right? We all were at some point. Okay, I'll update soon! See you later!**


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